A taboo no more?

Shocked by the Muzzafarnagar happenings, KAUSALYA SANTHANAM talks to a cross-section of Chennaiites to find out how they react to intercaste marriages.

IT HAPPENED on a Monday night more than a month ago. Two young people Vishal (20), a Brahmin and Sonu, a Jat, were dragged to the roof of a house in Alipur village of Muzzafarnagar district in Uttar Pradesh, and hanged. Their crime? They were in love. The murderers? Their own parents and relatives. The witnesses? Almost all the inhabitants of Alipur, as the entire village was opposed to this intercaste love affair.

Can such a thing happen in the 20th Century, we ask. They belong to the rural section of the population - illiterate and hidebound, we tell ourselves. Alipur is an extreme case of barbarity and intolerance. But caste arouses strong feelings in the urban population too. Scratch the surface and most of us have reservations regarding caste and community. When it comes to the question of marriage especially, how many of us are willing to allow our sons or daughters freedom of choice, caste no bar? Parents still wish to have the decision making power in the marriage of their offspring whether it is dictated by love, concern, or ego. How do those in Chennai react to the Alipur incident and how much has this once traditional city changed regarding intercaste marriage?

Interviews with students, parents and couples, throw up interesting answers regarding the psyche and attitude of Chennaiites to this decisive step in one's life vis-a-vis caste.

"Such barbaric events do not take place in the cities. The clamping down is more subtle", says Anushka, a young unmarried professional. ``Among the upper caste, such matches are still a big no-no. The changes that have come over society are superficial. Depending on one's environment and background, certain concessions are made by families — wearing jeans is okay, for instance. When it comes to marriage, parents are still quite rigid in their attitude". Even those who migrate to the West have closed minds, she points out. They refuse to integrate into Western society; intercaste and community marriages are still frowned upon by Indians in Britain. Youngsters too might wear cargoes and ape MTV but their thinking is conventional. More often than not, they succumb to pressure exerted by their family and give up their `love'.

Marriage cutting across caste and nationality has not percolated as yet to the middle class, feels Anushka. Parents seldom agree to young people getting married to those whom they love without raising a storm. When they do give in it is because they do not want to lose their children.

Surprisingly, even parents who had chosen their own partners have a different yardstick when it comes to the question of their children's marriage.

"My mother married for love. But she seems to have conveniently forgotten that now. If I really love a man, I'll just go ahead and marry him, caste and religion are no deterrent,'' says a young woman.

Sunita, Jemy and Roopa in their late teens who are studying in one of the city's leading colleges articulate their views clearly and honestly. Says Sunita who comes from a very religious Christian background. ``My parents are devout Christians. But when I decide to marry, I'm sure they will be very flexible. As for the Alipur incident, the whole thing is cruel and unjust. I respect the values the village holds but not to the extent of taking somebody's life."

Jemy who comes from a village in Kerala, feels attitudes basically have to do with the level of education. ``In my village, there have been quite a few intercaste marriages. Initially there is opposition but generally the families come around. If I went in for one, my parents would certainly agree to it finally. I believe society is changing but very slowly."

Adds Roopa, ``I'm a product of a mixed marriage. I don't think religion, caste or regional differences matter. If at all my parents have an objection, it would be on grounds of compatibility of temperament. If I feel strongly enough about the man I love, I would follow my conviction. As for the hangings in Muzzaffarnagar, we in this country are not alone in such barbarity - this can happen anywhere in the world where life is hard and people are not educated or broad minded enough."

The idealism of the young sometimes manifests itself in romanticism removed from reality. ``Caste is immaterial, nothing depends on it. All that matters is two hearts meet,'' states 18- year old Kishore, an under-graduate student, sounding suspiciously like his favourite celluloid hero. ``Politicians and educationists fan the flames of caste and community but you should have the courage to defy society if you are in love. We are going through a period of transition and there is hope,'' he states.

"I'm interested in marrying a girl from another caste but she is reluctant to marry me,'' moans his classmate Ram. ``My relative has married a girl from the Scheduled Caste. The parents however are planning to separate them and have engaged a lawyer to help them do so."

"Caste divisions are deeply embedded in our educational system. It is much worse when it comes to marriage. Our society has a long way to go,'' says their friend, Rajasekhar.

Couples like Lata and Mohan, who got married a few years ago, had to struggle hard to tie the knot. ``The joy of being in love was marred by fear. Fear of being seen around by others - by family members and friends. Luckily we escaped prying eyes and broke the news to our family ourselves,'' says Lata.

The opposition was vehement. ``Not even one person, either friend or family member was in favour of the marriage. The arguments put forward were contained in one line. ``What will people say?"

"Parents are worried it will reflect badly on them and ruin the marriage prospects of siblings.

"When it's time for my children to tie the knot, `society' will be nowhere in the picture", states Lata. ``I will give him/her the green signal irrespective of other considerations - caste, family or class."

Sushmita and Shankar also had a tough time persuading their families to accept their choice. ``Even after marriage we both had problems arising out of not being accepted fully by parents- in- law." When couples want to vault barriers of religion, the hurdles faced are of greater magnitude. Financial independence matters a great deal when couples determined to marry face opposition, say Shakeela and Sanjay, who managed to overcome family resistance and tie the knot. Love can and does help smoothen out things to a large extent. But religious differences can make the going tough. "Food and cuisine are hardly important. For a Muslim, the thought of worshipping a deity such as a fearsome goddess may be frightening", says Shakeela. ``More important than all this is the feeling that you never belong — the rituals, the language, the behavioural norms — everything makes you feel like a stranger in your own home."

Social ostracism matters only when you think it matters, says Sanjay. The marriage has been a successful one but Shakeela feels that love marriages still carry a stigma in our society and inter-religious/caste marriages with the blessings of parents are not possible.

Says Mridula who hails from a conservative Kannada Brahmin family, ``I think I was the most surprised in the family when I found myself in love with a Keralite Syrian Christian. My parents were shell-shocked when I told them I wanted to marry. They put forward many arguments but to their credit, none centred on what society or extended family would say. They spoke of ``culture shock.'' They asked Mridula to take some time and distance herself from the man she loved, by moving to another city to study. ``When I came back our resolve was as strong as ever. Then my parents did a wonderful switch to the positive, support mode. They met the young man's parents who were very worried and reassured them. That was more than ten years ago. Mridula feels people are much more "cool" nowadays though she honestly wonders how her husband and she would react if their daughter were to do the same thing — marry a Muslim for instance.

The arguments for marrying persons from a similar background and caste are put forward clearly by Sushila, the mother of two girls. "I will accept a marriage for my children which cuts across caste, language and nationality but only with misgivings. If they insist, I will give in only for their sake, I won't be jubilant."

She says, ``Unlike in the West, we in India do not entirely let go of our children. Parental care extends beyond the marriage of offspring to taking care of grandchildren, involvement in their marriage, birth of their children ... it goes on. There is so much interaction between the two families they become interdependent after a point of time. It is much better to have an alliance with a family, which is of the same sect, speaks the same language and cooks the same food. Life seems secure for everyone this way,'' she says.

The children expect the parents to step in when they need help — physically, morally and financially, says a parent. Is it too much to expect them to spare the parents anxiety notwithstanding the fact that not all arranged marriages are wonderful and not all so called ``love marriages'' are disasters? But then `love' in our society means meeting for a few hours on a daily/weekly basis and endless telephone calls. It is kept (at least in 80 per cent of the cases) a secret and there is no transparency. Both show the best side to each other and reality dawns only after marriage, says a mother.

"We should raise our children in such as way that they develop the emotional maturity to choose the right partner and you have to be strong enough to stand by their choice. Parenting has a big role to play in providing the correct value system to the child to enable him to take the right decisions when he grows up,'' according to Usha Ramakrishnan*, a mother of three sons who have chosen brides from different backgrounds — Rajasthani, Malayali and American. ``There is so much diversity to celebrate when you have members from other religions and nationality in your family. You have so many customs to relish and festivals to celebrate. When your son or daughter decides upon a partner, it is important to accept completely", she adds. ``This is real love, otherwise the emotion you feel is attachment and mere possessiveness. To truly love is to let go."

Usha feels Chennai is changing - slowly perhaps but there is change. One couldn't agree more. At least in a small percentage of the population the barriers are coming down. This was brought home to us recently. Among the last eight weddings we had attended, the one we were going to that evening was the only one that could be called a strictly traditional arranged marriage. Horoscopes scanned, groom, bride selected from the same caste by parents, families matched according to wealth, outlook and status. All the other weddings were love matches.

As we met the parents of these couples at the traditional wedding, they were beaming at the excellent choice their sons and daughters had made. And what was most evident was the sigh of relief that their children had made it easy for them and they couldn't have chosen better for their offspring themselves. (Perhaps they have been just lucky.)

In a small segment of society, people are snapping out of their rigid mindset albeit with a lot of pushing and pulling by their determined young who are increasingly taking their own decisions regarding whom they want to spend their lifetime with — for better or for worse.

(Names except * have been changed on request)

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