Lazarus Lessons from the Learned

IF you are good at anything, there will always be people who like to look for chinks in your armour. If you make the `mistake' of being better than them, they will spare no effort to shake you off your pedestal. If nobody listens to them, it makes no difference, if you do. And believe them!

You are good at what you do, you are popular, you are universally liked. Something wrong here. The last bit does not sound quite right. Nobody is universally liked. Jealousy rears its yellow head and if you are affected by what people say, you will suffer agonies of angst in everything you do. Why do they do this? How do they make it seem so real? Truth is that the common factor here is you. You allow these `unwell-wishers' to get under you skin and shake your self-estimation and self worth. Why this happens is again a mirror question.

It is because you feel that there is something lacking in you and your need to be told how wonderful you are! Hey! This is not abnormal. We all need encouragement and what's better than a roomful of people giving you a standing ovation? It feels good, you are encouraged to outdo yourself and, you set yourself a benchmark that becomes the standard for all your future endeavours until that is, you set yourself a new one! If one day you feel that you have not quite reached that self-set benchmark and you overhear someone commenting on the fact, your `let down' feeling exponentially explodes in you causing anguish and depression. Don't do this to yourself! You will never get anywhere if you allow yourself to be flagellated like this. Understand why people say this and their motivations in bringing you down!

Cruel to be Kind?

Sampradaya Chudamani, who wrote, "Cruelty in Kindness: A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing." (CxKN Publishing 2001) mentions that, "Virtually everybody you meet, encounter or work with makes up their mind about you, and almost immediately begins to analyse where you will be of use to them and the furtherance of their motives. Remember that there are people looking to using you as a stepping-stone to their success, and never mind if you are swept away in the process. Look out for the real motivations of people who come in to offer you information that refers to what others are saying about you. These people are not your friends!"

Chudamani mentions cases where `well-wishers' come sidling up to you to tell you the latest gossip about you in the office `so that you will be armed'. Actually what is happening is that this helpful `friend' is watching and waiting for your reaction so that he can go scurrying back with this to them so that tension is created between you and the others. Why does he do this? Possibly because you superseded him when you joined, or perhaps you were promoted over his head to a post he was angling for, or, a tension and suspicion laden environment will give him an opportunity to step in and take advantage! This is the vicarious critic whose sole motivation is to undermine your inter-personal relationships and turn it to their own advantage.

Kill the `Kindness' with Kindness!

Understand that people are critical because you cause a serious risk to their sense of career comfort! R.R.J.Shantha, a clinical psychologist at Career Centre, Hyderabad insists that we all will find it difficult to accept our own lacunae if do not factor in the lacunae in others. Indeed, she adds to this by saying that people use criticism as a weapon only because they have a strong feeling of inadequacy themselves and it is their attempt to pull themselves out of the mire by pulling others in! The tendency is to palliate our shortcomings by looking for and bringing to attention the shortcomings of others or to trivialise ours in the glare of others'. The only way to overcome the hurt of such people's behaviour is to understand that their actions and words spring from a sense of their own insecurity and is an indication of their own problems with themselves and not a truly adverse comment on you. You just happen to be in the way, and you are better!

Cum Grano Salis

One of the reasons why such criticism hurts is because there is often a bit of justification for it. This might be a grain so miniscule that, had it been in an oyster, it would not have ever developed into a pearl, but the fact is that you know it is there. If you are at all touchy about this grain, you are vulnerable and will react defensively when a critic points the finger at you. Their job and desire is to put the cat among the pigeons. If you rise to their bait you'll be the one to suffer. That grain should be taken Cum Grano Salis (with a grain of salt). Be open-minded and shrug it off. Hey! Mistakes do happen and if you are upfront about it, others will shrug it off too! Please remember that if somebody comes to you in a spirit of "helpfulness", you have an opportunity to find out why the person is making such a big deal out of such a small thing and what his true colours are! Look at yourself from an off-planetary angle and get it into perspective. In short, get real! Not depressed!

Astigmatic Greengrassing

Just because you happen to be on everybody's hit list one day; when the security has allowed someone to take your parking place, which delays you sufficiently in signing your attendance register so as to miss your scheduled reporting time. You land up at your workstation and find that your boss has actually come down from his Olympian heights and has asked for you exasperatedly, not once but twice! When you go up he keeps you waiting for ten minutes standing in front of him without taking notice of you and then asks if you are still on the rolls of the company.

You may be pardoned if you feel a tad uncertain about your future, a trifle insecure and certainly ill-used. All this yes, but all this does not mean that you are not reliable or have no value to the organisation and that you can expect your pink slip when you reach your desk. Wake up! This not about you at all and the world has no issues with your continued existence on it! A senior who did not listen when told that the spot was reserved for you probably bullied the security man. Your boss could have had two calls from his boss asking him the status of the project you are working on.

Maybe your boss' driver didn't turn up that day and he has to go a pick up his mother-in-law at the station. In short, it's a train of events that has resulted in your having to carry everyone else's can that day. It is not a reflection on you, your abilities or your mental calibre. Never do yourself the injury of thinking so! The grass is not greener elsewhere, you are standing on the greenest!

People criticise because of insecurity or because they are feeling particularly out of sorts that day and this is their way of letting out the frustration. Misery loves company so why not make someone else's live rotten too? Only if you understand this will you not fall victim to the depression that follows a particularly vicious bout of criticism.

Take it as something that happens, not as something that you need to take to heart! Bounce back with boundless enthusiasm, and who knows, even the critics may crack! Remember, you can only be as bad as you feel... so don't feel bad!

S. RAMANUJACHARYA

professor1@sify.com