Assertive vs. Aggressive
The better way to get your way
SOME YEARS ago I was taking a training session for salesmen of a large pharmaceutical company. One of the things that came up was the attitude most suitable in their field and almost as one they chorused, "We must be aggressive!" I tried explaining at the time that aggression puts off people and that what they meant was being assertive rather than aggressive. They couldn't see the difference. One member in fact sustained the argument for over twenty minutes saying how successful he was because of his aggressive attitude and maintained his view with considerable aggression. I let the matter drop and a couple of months later he found himself out of a job and unable to get another. How do I know all this? Well, because he came in to see me the other day and asked me to help him find a suitable opening. Apparently he had attempted many things including a venture of his own, but every attempt had failed. He said all this to me in a tone of injury and wondered if he was transiting the malign influence of Saturn.
I told him that his approach to the search for a job would determine a successful outcome. Interviewers feel that behaviour exhibited at an interview will sustain itself in the normal course of work and almost always hire on the basis of the impression they gather from the candidate.
So while my friend sometimes got a job, his real attitude flared out all too often resulting in his losing the job within weeks. Sometimes, recruiters would talk to him and reject him on the grounds that his attitude was not suitable to their organisation.
While companies look for confidence, they are not looking for arrogance, which my friend had in abundance. Being as he was a good person looking at self-development, he asked me what he could do about his attitude, so I thought it might be an idea to bring home to him some mild changes he might want to make in the projection of his personality so that his efforts would be crowned with the success for which he was looking:
Aggression was a word used by some sales guru whose language skills were slightly challenged. Aggressive translates to a show of arrogance, an attitude that puts off people, while assertion is making one's point without stepping on the other person's corns
Doing is better than talking: I reminded him about his own statement to me when he said he was very successful. To get the attention of people, demonstrations are better than empty speech. Let the things you have done successfully speak for themselves rather than forcing it down people's throats. It is like medicine, it might be good for you but it won't be pleasant if you have to hold your nose and down it
Vicarious advertisement: Sometimes, especially at an interview, it becomes necessary to blow one's own trumpet, because no one else will, in which case what can one do not to sound boastful? Actually, it is not too difficult; get someone else to do the talking! No, `phone-a-friend' is not what I suggest. Temper the pushiness of saying "I did... " to "My friends say... " or "My boss was very pleased with my... " That way, nobody will think you are bragging - or if they do, (as I would) at least they will know that you are making an effort to be nice about it.
Curb that aggression: It really is tough being out of a job even for a week it is actually terrible for the first few days - traumatic even by the end of the first week the reaction sets in and one starts feeling as if the world is against you. Especially if you have been too aggressive with your customers/team mates/ superiors. The hurt and annoyance starts becoming a part of your behaviour even with well-meaning friends so generally if you are called for an interview, it is bound to leak into your responses as well. Be careful! This could make you appear arrogant and the recruiters will feel your `attitude' is not suited to their needs
Act it out: Be aware that your body language is sending strong signals to the interviewers. While a firm handshake and good eye contact will send a positive and non-threatening message about you, leaning forward and `staring down' an interviewer is likely to have the opposite effect. Elbows or even your hands on his table could be seen as aggressive behaviour, so do be careful. Sit well back in your seat, use the seat back for support, and smile pleasantly - all these signal assertiveness; avoid truculence and giving the feeling that you are looking at taking over the interviewer's place. Watch out for that question asking where you see yourself in five years - it is a test for arrogance and pretentiousness
Do not condescend: Aggressive people sometimes tend to give in to the temptation of looking down at others and this is reflected sometimes at interviews. A whiz kid technical candidate, full of his own sense of importance, once pityingly remarked to the HR manager who was interviewing him "Do you know anything about programming... ?" in a tone that indicated derision it was no wonder that the young man was not hired
Keep your temper: Many efficient people cannot tolerate ineptitude in others and often display their irritation in their faces even if they do not vocalise it. Losing your temper with foolish sounding questions will only lose you your opportunity of getting the job. It also reflects your inability to maintain your equanimity and balance - fatal if you are looking for a job and later if you are hoping for a promotion
Remember that not many people like others who make them feel less than they are, and will make every effort to marginalise such people especially when they have the power to reject them outright.
Nobody likes to feel that he is not in control, and if you show aggression, they will feel threatened and as they have the freedom to sideline you - they will. Remember that you need to be liked and respected for your views, not feared and disliked. Aggression does the latter.
ARMITY GAUR
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