Social essentials for success
WE IN INDIA, in fact those of us in the Eastern hemisphere, are particularly in a position of advantage since we come hard-wired with the social graces that those in the Western hemisphere have forgotten if they ever had any. This is probably because the East - of which we are a part - has a history several times longer than a line formed by the entire eastern population clasped hand to hand in a line. That's the upside. The downside is that having recently discovered that social skills help in the conduct of successful business, the West has quickly cobbled together a set of norms it now expects expect the whole world to respect and replicate. In conformity with to the Eastern tradition of polite behaviour we have, without protest, adopted the norms, much to the discomfiture of several beautifully behaved people who suddenly found it necessary to observe and practise the western offering. For years, even centuries, generations of Easterners have given vent to thunderous and soul-satisfying belches to signal their approval of a banquet. To do that today would be to invite superciliously raised western eyebrows and a chilling sneer. Fortunately though, like any other skill, social intercourse and convivial techniques can be acquired and when practised well can lead on to possible fame and certain fortune.
1) Easy-peasy: First it is essential to look as if you are confident and relaxed. Apparently, if you look worried and hassled you give off the air of looking inappropriately anxious and ill at ease. In business situations such a demeanour would give rise to the suspicion that you are unsuitable to interact with or that you are shifty and hence difficult to have a relationship with. Ergo; take it easy and look relaxed - even if you are twisted in a corkscrew of nervousness. Think of the things you like and imagine visions of pleasant scenes you have actually experienced. Your pupils will dilate and your expression will be much friendlier than before
2) Speech is Silver; Silence is Gold: One of the things many of us like to do is to talk. And talk. And talk. Giving no chance to our interlocutor to respond or have his say. Garrulousness is not any more a sign of bonhomie, it is a clear indication of someone to avoid. Think about it. The constant refrain of unhappy spouses is that their spouses do not listen. To be a good listener is something that is unfailingly attractive and people gravitate to those that will listen actively to them. To do this it is important to hone one's non-verbal abilities and make encouraging noises, repeating a word or phrase of what is being said, maintaining close eye-contact and referring to what your interlocutor has said. Nodding understandingly and appropriate gestures are appreciated too
3) Confidence: One thing that is absolutely fatal to anyone's chances is being guiltily self-conscious. When you become acutely aware that there is an ugly mark on your shirt, or that your hair is rebelliously straining in the opposite direction to the one in which you plastered it you begin to de-focus on the person with whom you are talking.
You will realise this because you notice that your interlocutor is avoiding eye contact with you and quite openly looking at his watch. You begin to think that he has spotted the mark and wants to get away from you because of that... and so on.
The only way you can snap out of this is by concentrating on something else rather than yourself. Get out of yourself and focus on what the other person is saying, wearing or looking. Look interestedly at his lips as they move and even if it is really difficult in the beginning, it will raise his confidence level - and yours.
4) Rapping Together: You need to build a common platform so that you and your associate `connect' or `vibe'. While building this bond is generally involuntary, it can be created consciously. One way is by adopting the same posture or position as the other person. Another is by speaking at the same speed and using the same volume and pitch as he does.
Do not try and mimic the posture; let it creep in unobtrusively so that it sends a subliminal signal that you are coming around to his way of thinking. It is body language and it speaks volumes.
5) Sharing Yourself: I said earlier that you should listen actively and say less. Very true but after a while they expect you to share a little about yourself. Some personal facts - not your entire biography is enticing to someone who will then set out to discover more about you.
Never force an opinion, make a suggestion instead. Agreement with the other's opinion will help in making that connection. Personal facts should be confined to the antiseptic, not the in-depth biographies we get to hear when we travel by train!
6) The Eyes Have It: I have said before that appropriate eye contact is an excellent way to make the other person feel `wanted'. By appropriate I meant looking kindly and interestedly at the person's face - notably their eyes.
I do not mean you hold them with a glittering eye and have them transfixed like a hypnotised victim of a particularly evil snake. Do not stare at them - vary the intensity with the words that you are (hopefully) listening to. Look in the general area of their eyes and do please blink normally. Looking at any other part of the person is not appropriate regardless of the fascination the particular eye-magnet has for you.Some of these rules may be already present in your home-taught arsenal, listening may be one of your fortes. On the other hand you may be a naturally chatty person, which is all right by itself but if you begin chatting exclusively about yourself you are riding for a fall. To be a success you have to be welcomed into society and the hints above do help and have helped several people to come out of themselves and make their statement.
ABHIMANYU ACHARYA
abhimanyu@india.com
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