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What do men expect from marriage?
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From companionship to cooking, men expect their spouses to juggle many roles
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BALANCING ACT Spouses should know where to draw the line at expectations in a marriage
Marriage, an institution which has survived the test of time thus far, the coming together of two people united in love vowing to be there for each other in good times and in bad, has begun to look vulnerable with cracks emerging all too soon (someti
mes within a day of tying the knot) and the changing societal fabric necessitating a whole new look at this life-altering event in one’s life.
What do men expect from marriage?
Alex, a real estate fund manager in a private equity company says, “I expect companionship and complete mutual trust. For that to happen my spouse and I need to be on a similar wavelength especially on issues such as career, work-life balance and raising children.”
On research analyst Nikunj Agarwal’s wish list “total understanding, commitment, respect, appreciation, love and care” rank high.
For Joel Vasanth who heads HR in an MNC “A simple girl, practical and able to handle situations, fun loving (good looks are a bonus)” would do nicely. She doesn’t have to be an excellent cook (we have maids) nor does she have to say I love you all the time - but only has to show it in action. She could have liked a hundred guys in the past but should remain true after commitment,” he adds
Arvind, project manager in a software company says, “I would want my spouse to be my best friend.”
Being far away from home, Anil Gurwara, an engineer is looking for a friend in his future partner. “At least I won’t have to think of what to do during the weekend and life will settle into a more organised routine.”
Hemant, another engineer says, “I don’t want to say I will give my fiancé equal rights because both genders already have it. I want her to be a sharp thinker, one step ahead of me. Most guys fear that their wives won’t listen to them if they are smarter - not me.”
The young men of today are not only willing to give their future partners space (as Alex says “Petty differences will arise because of the fatigue of being around each other all the time”) they also don’t think twice about sharing housework. However they are alive to the fact that marriage is no bed of roses with the spouses agreeing on everything.
Anil Gurwara concedes, “My spouse should have her own opinion and I am ready to respect that. Conflicts should be resolved without egos coming in the way. Since I want my better half to be my best friend I am ready to accept that friends do fight.”
Notes Alex “One could agree to disagree on issues which are not central to one’s marriage and this is fine as long as both partners don’t hurt each other too much by arguing.”
Echoing similar sentiments, Joel Vasanth says, “Disagreements are welcome once in a while.”
Vinay Joy, an advocate in a corporate law firm adds, “I know there will be times when we won’t be able to see eye to eye. But on crucial aspects I would hope to find common ground with my spouse and would expect her to be amenable to a compromise.”
As for the fact that in Indian marriages one not only marries the spouse but the entire family, Anil says, “When a girl leaves her family for a guy its natural that she would expect her family to be respected. Its fun to be around all those who love you no matter who they are - in-laws or parents.”
The converse is also true, for Nikunj Agarwal remarks, “Respect for my family and the willingness to care for them would be something I would value.”
Vinay points out that with more people marrying outside their communities and religions, “rigid views as regards religion and caste in some communities pose challenges to young couples.”
Making a pertinent observation Alex states, “Getting along with one’s spouse’s family is one of the biggest problems young couples face.”
Striking a practical note Joel Vasanth reasons, “There is no sense in splitting family and friends from anyone. As long as things are rational and reasonable, fine or else we need help.”
Every one of the young men who spoke agreed that tolerance levels are abysmally low among today’s youth. Says Anil Gurwara, “Girls fight over petty issues. Couples don’t try to save the marriage - their egos are huge. .” Nikunj Agarwal feels “Situational adversities cannot be insured against. A give and take approach should do the trick. The financial independence especially of the girls is largely responsible for marital rifts. People walk out of marriages only because they know there is life beyond it and they can support themselves.”
According to Vinay, “The increase in divorce rates can also be attributed to a more open and evolving society. People are convinced of their own views and do not respect the views of the partner. If the pace of life were to slow down a bit people would have time to think matters over.”
In Alex’s reading of the scenario tolerance levels are low. “ The thinking of the Indian woman has changed over the years while quite a few Indian men have stayed the same. Selfishness is another reason. Women of our generation need to understand the fine line that exists between independence and equality and being overbearing and occasionally bossy.”
So is there any one thing that these men would do differently in their marriages?
Anil Gurwara says, “I would like to meet a marriage counsellor before I get married.”
Nikunj Agarwal has vowed, “To listen before speaking, to douse the fire in tense situations rather than adding fuel to it by fighting back.”
Disclosing his proposal Arvind says, “I will communicate with my partner and be that friend that my wife-to-be will reach out for when she needs to share something. I would also do all I can so I never lose her trust.”
Taking a leaf out of the book of his parents whose marriage has worked out exceptionally well Vinay says, “If there is one thing I would like to do differently it would be to promote my spouse’s career in anyway I could and spend more time with my spouse and our respective families.”
Are you ready then, to walk down the aisle?
SUDHA UMASHANKER
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